David M. Callahan, Ph.D.
Providing Psychological Services to
Cape Cod and Southeastern Massachusetts
Working with Lying
Research shows that everyone lies, at least somewhat. Learning to engage in deception is not always a maladaptive behavior, as it can allow us to avoid unnecessary conflict, help us to control situations toward our desired ends and protect others from pain that might be inflicted by honesty. It is not entirely pathological to engage in deception. However, there are times when lying become intrusive to a parent’s ability to trust a child, creating conflict that can escalate over time.
When a child is engaging in problematic lying, one of the best techniques is to engage in differential punishment of misbehavior and lying. In essence, when a child has engaged in a problematic behavior and is confronted about it, the punishment for the behavior itself is separated from the punishment for the dishonesty. Many children will attempt to lie to get out of trouble, creating a dynamic in which the lie itself is perceived as a greater problem then the behavior the child engaged in. Responding to the lie itself can be very effective in reducing the impact of lying.
As a concrete example, imagine a child who frequently denies engaging in behaviors such as leaving toys out in a room. Many children will respond “I didn’t do it” when asked if they have left that item behind, even when there is essentially no one else who could possibly have done so. In such situations, a child can be informed that if they tell the truth about their behavior, there will be a relatively mild consequence applied for their misbehavior. However, if they respond dishonestly, that punishment will be much harsher. Thus, a five-minute timeout in one’s room for failing to comply with parental requests would be the first layer of that, but an additional twenty minutes for being dishonest would be added to that. This type of separation of punishment for misbehavior can be helpful in reducing the frequency and intensity of dishonesty that children engage in. It helps to emphasize the importance of telling the truth in the eyes of the parent.
