David M. Callahan, Ph.D.
Providing Psychological Services to
Cape Cod and Southeastern Massachusetts
Coregulation
All of us, and particularly those of us who have some form of mood disorder or difficulty with managing our emotional responses, have moments when we become angry and/or “out of control.” The clinical term for this state is one of dysregulation, as mood states overrun our ability to think in a rational and controlled fashion, resulting in significant escalation in our emotions, to the point where our behavior becomes problematic. Quite often, these behaviors emerge in our closest relationships, as there is a level of freedom of expression of emotion in intimate relationships that is at times controlled by other factors, such as power differentials at work or the potential for embarrassment in public settings. The key to helping contain these episodes is to utilize a neurological process that is wired into our central nervous systems, known as “coregulation.”
Our nervous systems are wired to be highly responsive to certain characteristics of the people around us, as our nervous system continuously evaluates the level of safety of our circumstances and of the persons to whom we are exposed. There is a portion of our nervous system known as the vagus nerve that is intimately involved in sending signals to, and receiving signals from, the brain stem to continuously scan the environment for safety and to provide physiological responses consistent with the amount of defensiveness that we need to assume. This part of our system can trigger a sense of relaxation and calm that is essentially our body’s message saying “all is well.” On the other hand, in situations that are perceived as threatening, this can trigger defensive responses that help us to maintain a sense of safety. Typically, when we are in a state of dysregulation, our defensive system has been mobilized, often rather intensely, resulting in behaviors that are angry and aggressive as a way to help to defend ourselves. When we are in a defensive posture, we are working very much out of our emotional self, trying to protect ourselves against perceived threats. In those moments, there is a significant increase in the level of cortisol in our brains, the “stress hormone” that mobilizes us for defense and also tends to make it very difficult for us to think in a rational and controlled fashion.
The signals that our nervous system reads in the environment have been fairly well identified by researchers. There are three most critical components to the way that we respond to the environment in terms of how much we perceived ourselves as threatened. When we are interacting with other people, the first thing that we read is the facial expression of the person with whom we are interacting. There are two major areas which we focus on: the eyes and the mouth. A normal nervous system very accurately reads the emotional tone of the individual with whom we are interacting by assessing the subtle signs presented by these two parts of our face. A friendly and smiling set of eyes and mouth send a significant signal of safety. Secondly, we are very responsive to voice tone. Our nervous system will tend to respond with a more defensive posture to deeper, more threatening sounds (similar to those of the growl of a predator) and/or rapid voice tone that is very high pitched. The “safety zone” for speech tone and rhythm (known as prosody) is somewhere in the range of the typical pitch of a mother’s voice when soothing a child. The third critical factor that we assess is physical proximity. A person who encroaches on our personal space in a way that feels threatening will tend to increase our defensive response; a person too far away may also be triggering a sense of danger due to a abandonment. A positive response will typically emerge when someone is “just close enough, but not too close.” The reading of these signs varies tremendously depending on the relationship we have with the person with whom were are interacting and our current emotional state, but those three factors are constantly at play as our nervous system attempts to assess the level of safety we experience. This process of constant reading of the environment is known as “neuroception,” as our nerves perceive the environment in a way that is instantaneous and occurs essentially without thought.
The key to helping an individual who is dysregulated to calm down is to utilize those three elements in a proactive fashion. When we are with someone who is distraught, we can change their neuroception by manipulating those three variables. Thus, what we attempt to do is turn someone from a dysregulated state by presenting them with a regulated persona, in a process known as “coregulation.” In other words, when the other person is out of control, we respond in controlled fashion in order to help them calm themselves and become less reactive.
To achieve that end, the process is fairly straightforward, but does require that we maintain control of our own emotional states. We must present a friendly face that is nonthreatening, which generally requires some form of smile, but also enough relaxation in the facial muscles for that smile to appear genuine. A strained, tight lipped smile may well be read as a more aggressive posture. Modulation of voice tone is very important. Speaking slowly, softly and in a controlled fashion is often quite impactful in terms of changing the recipient’s neuroception. Creating enough physical proximity for the person to be reassured and enough distance so that they do not feel threatened is also important. This can be very challenging to do comfortably, but if we attend to the person’s response, we can typically determine the point at which we seem to have encroached on their space. Physical touch can be reassuring or extremely anger-inducing depending on the person’s state and their relationship with us. Managing that by proceeding slowly and gradually increasing our proximity, while responding with care when we seemed to have encroached on a person is most effective. In essence, we need to discern when it is time to “back off,” but most people can read those signals fairly well if they are focusing on them. Typically, this set of responses will, in a fairly short period of time, result in a reduction of the person’s level of agitation.
If we are interacting with a person who is extremely dysregulated, particularly if they have other psychiatric conditions making that more problematic, the amount of time required for such a response can be quite extensive. However, where possible, patience is indeed a virtue in these situations. More intrusive interventions, such as yelling at the person, physically restraining them or acting in a rejecting fashion can all escalate emotions and create greater difficulty.
There is an old Chinese story known as the story of the Parable of the North Wind and the Sun. The North Wind boasted that it could force a person to take off his jacket more quickly than the Sun. The Sun accepted the wager. The North Wind then began to blow and blow. Yet, the harder the North Wind blew, the more the man wrapped his coat tightly around his body. Finally frustrated, the North Wind gave up. At that point, the Sun simply turned up the warmth, and after a short period of time, the man peeled off his jacket independently. Often, when we are with somebody who is dysregulated, we become emotionally dysregulated as well, as we coregulate with their state. Remembering the story of the North Wind and the Sun can be helpful in reminding us that sometimes a little bit of warmth can go a very long way.
